Does anyone remember the movie Groundhog Day, where the weatherman keeps repeating the day over and over? That’s what we all do- we keep repeating patterns over and over. We get caught in a loop until we make a concerted effort to get out of that loop.

It’s not that we have faulty wiring, it’s just how our brain works.

Just like the butterfly that emerges from the chrysalis, in order for the transformation to happen, the butterfly must break through its cocoon. If you saw a cocoon and cut it open in order to assist the butterfly, it would surely die.

Why?  Because it must go through the process of pushing the cocoon open so that it pumps fluid throughout its body.  It’s through that action that the butterfly gets its life.

And that’s true for you metaphorically speaking.  The same with changing overnight.  Is it possible. However, you must go through your own transformation, pump the fluid in your body, until the change is hard-wired in your brain.

And you may ask how long does it take to make the transformation? That really depends upon your brain’s agility.  A professor at MIT, Deborah Ancona, cites that it takes 144 days for your brain to rewire to a new pattern and others such as Tony Robbins have stated that it takes 365 days before the change is permanent.

Before I tell you how to get unstuck, there are 3 things that you need to know about your brain, so that you can understand why you are where you are:

It is skewed toward the negative.  Think about this. As a caveman, life was challenging as they lived in survival mode, fight or flight since they were considered dinner to many animals. And if they hurt themselves, it’s not like they had a first aid kit or clinic to help them. Over time, they learned to recognized sounds as either good, bad or unknown. The brain has taken all of those responses and stored them in its database, the limbic brain- its objective is to keep you safe. So as you move through life, your brain checks its database, determines whether something is good or bad, and reacts accordingly. New experiences are considered bad when there is no reference point to prove otherwise. And it’s important to note that the brain embeds the negative memories, not the positive ones, because of its need to stay safe. Think of your computer processor, it has limited bandwidth. So your brain captures the important life-saving information.

And that’s a good thing! Despite not living in a caveman’s life anymore, there are still things out there that are harmful to your health. You do need a danger check in place to keep us safe. Just as if you say a baseball coming at you, your database would say duck before you get hurt.

The second thing you need to know about your brain is that the brain will always try to prove itself right. Your brain is constantly searching for that proof. It will interpret actions or lack thereof as proof that what you believe is true.

Have you ever seen the selective attention test by Daniel Simmons where there is a group of 6 players dresses in either white or black passing around 2 balls, and you are asked to count the number of times that the people in white pass the ball to each other? While everyone is fixated on the players in white, many don’t see the gorilla in the center of the players.  Why? It’s because it wasn’t part of the proof they were looking for. So what facts do you exclude in your life because of your filters?

The brain loves patterns. It will always choose the easiest route. Have you ever noticed that it’s hard to break a pattern? Your brain searches the database for the memories and creates a pattern which gets hardwired in. And to keep this pattern or wiring solid, it creates a story about it. It’s no different than a well-worn dirt road. Your tires will go where all of the tires have gone before, hitting every rut as it does. When a situation comes into play, your brain will scan the database to see what the established pattern was and act accordingly. It’s like a riding a horse. If you stop riding for awhile, when you get back on that horse again, your memories come back.

The other important thing to know is that you often establish patterns without even knowing that you are. Being with an abusive partner, you are establishing a routine on how to be treated. You will continue them because they are familiar, and going back to the caveman’s mind, it can be seen as safe because you know what to expect.  Take the woman married to the alcoholic. She probably has the pattern of being the caretaker. She knows what to expect in that relationship. When she doesn’t have to care take a person, she probably wouldn’t know what to do. It’s unknown, and that could be scary.

You have memories of what the body calls trauma. Could have happened in the womb, childhood or even adulthood. Because you don’t always have the tools to deal with the trauma, you stuff it in our body until you do. But until you deal with it, the body remembers that it has this pain, and this pain will show up as body pain, health issues or emotional pain or triggers.

If you want to establish new patterns and new routines that you must make a concerted effort of daily practice of mindfulness in order to be successful. The more you like your new routine, the easier it is to change, and the less you like it, the harder it can become.

So now that you understand your brain and it can work against you, there are 4 main ways to get unstuck.

The first way to get unstuck is to become aware. What’s the mental chatter going on in your head? Your reality is shaped by its mental chatter. It’s like a wild horse, it takes you where “it” wants to go. Like any horse, if you want to tame it, you must be the one in charge, you need to be in control of the reins. So, how do you tame your mind so that you are in charge?

You need to be aware of where it goes and change the course when it goes astray. Through this process of being in charge, you can control and ease your mental chatter.  Remember, your brain wants to keep you safe, so it will keep you small and out of the scary unknown. Think back to the caveman exploring his environment. Being careless could cost you your life so your brain will tell you that you can’t do certain things because it deems them unsafe.

It’s important to note here that the brain cannot distinguish between reality and imagination. So, whatever you are thinking in your brain, like worrying, the brain is reacting to it as if it has already happened.

And on top of your brain being skewed negatively, should you listen to the news, it too is skewed toward the negative. So, you are constantly being barraged with negativity, adding to your mental chatter. This also includes information from those around you. More often you will hear about what you did wrong more than what you did right. This is all conditioning.

When you are stuck, you most likely are living in the past or future, but not in the present.

The second way to get unstuck is to stick with the facts, not the stories. What is true and what isn’t? I made a mistake is a fact, whereas my husband is going to divorce me when he finds out, is a story. Or I don’t know how to do this is a fact whereas I can’t do this is a story. Don’t let your stories create your future. If you ran with facts, you would get help if needed to move forward. It’s like needing an oil change. You don’t go into a story, you honor the fact that you may not know how to change your oil so you find the expert who does. Don’t let your stories paralyze you into inactivity.

The third way to get unstuck is to ask yourself, does this thinking or situation serve me? Change your perspective. What if you were to create an alternate reality where there is the benefit of the doubt? You may tend to make life revolve around yourself, but the truth is that you could look at the same situation and see something completely different. I remember a client was overwhelmed by a project she avoided for years. But she really wanted to do it. So, I had her break the project down into little steps so that it wouldn’t be as overwhelming. By focusing on only a small part of the project, she was able to tackle it over weeks, instead of feeling pressured to do it over days.

Baby steps are better than no steps. The wrong action is often better than to take no action. The process of taking action brings clarity-you can figure out what you don’t want in order to know what you do want or you can understand what doesn’t work to come up with what does.

And finally, the last step to take when stuck is to address the fears or the emotions that you are holding onto.Too often our fears or emotions keep you from going after what you want. When you stick the facts and know that you’re afraid, you have to deal with those emotions that keep you stuck. Otherwise, your emotions will keep you paralyzed. Take a deep breathe and feel those emotions until they fade.

To conclude, to get stuck, doesn’t have to be the end of the game. Don’t let yourself be paralyzed in a place of inactivity.

Be aware of how you are psyching yourself out, sort out the facts from fiction, deal with the fears holding you hostage and choose to see your dilemma creating what from a different perspective. And if you can’t get unstuck by yourself, seek an expert like myself who can help.

Also published in The Magic Happens ezine.

It’s that time of the year again- time to make new year resolutions.

If you are like most people, you’ve made many resolutions and have broken almost as many, usually within days of making them.

Why can’t most people keep them?

You  have high desires to create your dream life but most likely haven’t thought out your action plan or had follow-up on your actions. Most have resolutions made out of obligation- I should eat better, lose weight,  organize my house, quit smoking, save money, meditate more, get fit, spend more time with my family, etc. Few people are successful with these types of resolutions.

So what can you do to ensure success?

What if you had an action plan that was fueled by how you wanted to feel versus what you should do? Would that increase your level of success? The answer is most likely yes.  More people are likely to achieve results when there is a pull (positive emotion) rather than a push (negative emotion) compelling them to take action.

Here are 5 steps that you can do that can help pull you achieve your resolutions:

1. CLARIFY THE OUTCOME YOU DESIRE AND SET THE INTENTION-  What do you really want to achieve? Do you want to lose weight to look good or to feel good? What is the emotional driver to the end result? Losing weight is one thing, but losing weight to make an ex regret breaking up with you may be a  better motivator.
2. STRATEGIZE THE STEPS NEEDED- If you want to find a new a job, besides looking on employment sites, what else do you need to do?  Is your resume up to date? Do you have references ready to go? Do you have the perfect outfit appropriate for the position you seek? Another way to look at this is to determine what do you need to let go of in order to achieve your intention. If you want to save money, going out to lunch everyday may be counteractive. When strategizing your action steps, be sure to break them down into smaller achievable goals.  Losing 100 lbs. is daunting where as a goal of 10 lbs seems much more achievable. You can always increase your goals, but decreasing them has a negative effect. Also, be sure to celebrate the milestones!
3. WHAT ADDITIONAL TOOLS DO YOU NEED- If you want to get back into the dating world, do you need to brush up on conversational skills? Or perhaps do you need new clothes? If you are looking for a job, do you need to practice interviewing?  Think about what else you need to be your best example.
4. HOW CAN YOU OPTIMIZE YOUR ENVIRONMENT- If your goal is to lose weight, having calorie rich for in the house may not be ideal for you while trying to diet.  Often, when trying to improve your situation, others may feel threatened and try to sabotage your efforts.  Be aware of those who lead you away from your intentions., especially when it comes to losing weight. As a general tip, having gratitude for the space that you are in also helps you to be at peace for where you’re have yet to achieve.
5. MASTER YOUR PSYCHOLOGY- Probably the best indicator of success is where or not you believe that you can achieve it or deserve it. Too often there are subconscious beliefs in place that prevent success. Pay attention to the voices in your head and the feelings in your body as you think about your intention.  Do you feel excited about your resolution or a sense of dread? Knowing if you are applying the gas or brake pedal to a situation will tell you if subconscious beliefs are in play. Deal with any emotions that keep you stuck otherwise you will find yourself stuck or going around in circles.

If you are willing to look at all pieces of the puzzle and be honest with yourself the degree of your success will increase.  Create realistic, achievable goals that you can increase as you are more comfortable with you actions. Enlist the help of others around you. Ask them to gently help you navigate your resolutions. Minimize distracting outside forces that can derail you. Additionally, you may need to enlist the help of an expert/ coach to help you to optimize your goals or master your psychology.

YOU are in control of your ability to be successful. YOU are the master your destiny. And only YOU can create a new pattern, a new outcome or a new story for your life.

What direction will you chose? How successful will you allow yourself to be? Believe in yourself and your ability to transform YOU!

Have you ever felt judged for something? Have you ever judged another for not meeting your criteria or expectations?

People judge all the time. But what most don’t realize is that it is never about the person being judged.  That’s right, you heard me correctly. It’s all about the person doing the judging.

We judge others in order to:

1. Make us feel better, to downplay our fears and insecurities- When we judge ourselves for being less than, we need  a place to throw our emotions so we project them onto to others so that we can begin to feel better about ourselves. After all, we can’t be that bad if that person is can’t dress well or has blue hair.
2. Feel safe- if someone is doing something that we would classify as unsafe, we judge them for being bossy, promiscuous, reckless, weird, etc. But it’s because their actions make us feel unsafe. 
3. Connect with others by agreeing with their judgments-not to feel left out, most insecure people will not voice an opinion contrary to the majority because they want to fit in or not stir the pot.

So how do you stop judging others? Here’s the easy answer-by stop judging yourself. Life isn’t a competition. It isn’t about who did it better, or is smarter, or the thinnest.

And just imagine a world where everyone was alike, wouldn’t life would be boring? There would be no contrast. It would be like living in a development where every house was the same color, size, layout. There would be no differences, no personality. And not every  man wants to be with a supermodel or rocket scientist or a blue eyed blonde!

So have some compassion for yourself and delve in the real reason that you feel the need to judge others.  Work on those unhealed aspects of yourself so that you can get to a place of peace around them.  You are perfect as you are, whether you believe it or not.

 5 Ways to heal your insecurities:

1. Be aware of your thoughts.When a negative thought pops up, acknowledge it as your ego trying to keep you small and remind yourself that you know the real truth.
2. Look for the source. When faced with a negative thought, what was the origin? Did you accept someone else’s projections as your truth?
3. What’s the good in it? While no one needs to be a bitch, sometimes you need to put on the bitch face to stand up for yourself. Imagine your kids in trouble?  How nice will you be in protecting them?
4. Have compassion. Give yourself the love and attention you need instead of showing yourself self-hate. Even the best aren’t perfect.  It’s just a matter of perspective.
5. Take action. If you don’t like it, then fix it. Otherwise, your pain is more comfortable than your fear of change.

When you are ready to make changes to your life,  contact me for a Coaching Breakthrough session. Let’s chat about how I can support you through your journey.