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WEEK 2

updated 4/1/19

VALUES

In week 1, you discovered what your values are. Do your actions reflect your values? Do you walk your talk? Where is your attention?

For example, if integrity was one of your top values, are your close friends of integrity as well? Or do you have friends who are not known for having integrity?

This also holds true for the work that you do- your romantic partners, every area of your life. If trust is a huge value for you, dating a known cheater is a conflict. If you work for company that is anti-gay, and you have a lot of gay friends, it is a conflict for you. Your values must be reflected in all that you believe to be true.

Remember in your childhood where there was a kid who was the bully? Would you want to be associated with him? Would you want others to think that you are just like him? Probably not, unless you approved of his behavior.

Example: I let an old friend back into my life. When I was hanging out with this person, she would sometimes use racially derogatory terms to describe people or situations. When I confronted her on those words, she told me that those words accurately described “those people.” I chose to end the relationship because that close-minded, derogatory attitude was in conflict with mine.

Think about it. In my case, what do you think is the likelihood that my ex friend would judge me as she did others? The correct answer is very high once she perceived that I “turned” on her. She would be driven by her pain, because it is from where all judgement stems.

Now I’m not telling you to dump all friends with pain, but if you have spoken to them about their actions, and they choose not to do anything, you are not here to heal them. That’s co-dependency. Ultimately, if someone is in conflict with you, you might want to move them to the back burner or eliminate them from your circle of friends.

If you want to be in alignment, then you must align your actions with your values. If you actions aren’t in alignment with your values, then it’s possible that you aren’t being honest with what you value most. There is also the possibility that there is a fear or internal conflict in play.

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VALUES CONFLICT

Investopedia:  The conflict theory, suggested by Karl Marx, claims society is in a state of perpetual conflict because of competition for limited resources.

When you have put 2 values together that are in conflict, this is called a value conflict.  It’s like having your foot on the gas and the brake at the same time. In other words, it’s like being pulled in two opposite directions. In order to get what you want, what must you give up?

Here are examples of a value conflicts:

Let’s say that family life is one of your high values. You want to be successful in your business, but you believe that the more successful you are, the more you’ll need to work. However, the more you need to work means you’ll have less time for your family. The overriding belief is= more success, means less family time.

You want to be an artist. But you’ve been told numerous times that artists starve. The overriding belief is= being creative, means having no money.

Or you want to be an entertainer, but as one, you must be willing to give up privacy once you are in the public eye.

So where do you have value conflicts?

Exercise

Ask yourself the following questions. Write down as many instances as possible.

If I succeed in <fill in the blank>, I will lose <fill in the blank> as a result?

If I succeed in <fill in the blank>, I will have to sacrifice <fill in the blank> as a result?

Now think of a new empowering thought to resolve for each of your value conflicts.

Examples: The more successful that I am, the more time I have for my family.  The more that I speak my truth, the more powerful I become. The more that I am seen, the more successful I become.

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SHADOWS

Wikipedia– In Jungian psychology, the “shadow“, “Id”, or “shadow aspect/archetype” may refer to (1) an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself, or (2) the entirety of the unconscious, i.e., everything of which a person is not fully conscious. In short, the shadow is the “dark side”.

In sum, a shadow is a part of yourself that you have perceived as “bad” and reject in yourself. It’s all of the parts we try to hide or deny. We show our perceived “good” side but deny the parts of us we don’t like or accept about ourselves.

But in life, there are always extremes. There is light and then there’s darkness. Imagine living in a world where it never got dark? Your body would have a hard time figuring out when it was time to sleep. Have you ever noticed that with the brightest sun, we always have the darkest shadows?

What if you lived in a world where no one raised their voice, all you heard were monotone voices. Or in a world where everyone is skinny, but you find plump sexy.

Think about your shadow side- What don’t you want others to know about you?

By denying that part of ourself, it becomes inwardly destructive. So either you fix your shadow, or you make peace with it. When we embrace our shadows, we activate our power. So to truly manifest and not be triggered by words, it’s about clearing all of our fears, all of the parts of us that we dislike or deny, so that we can fully own our power.

The more you integrate, the more power you get. To illustrate this- if someone called you an ugly, fat narcissist, and you didn’t identify with those words, you would just laugh at the person and think they’re crazy.

But if somewhere deep inside of you you possibly felt that you were ugly, you would get triggered by those words and probably react with pain and/or get angry with that person. You would be triggered.

When you have an emotional charge around something, there’s an emotion that need to be cleared. So how do we figure out our shadows?

Think about this:

What are you afraid will happen if you start or stop something?

If I start or stop  doing _____________, what am I afraid that will mean about me?

Examples of shadows:

If I quit my new business, people are going to think I’m a loser. If I ask to be paid more money, the boss is going to think I’m pushy.

If I try out this new venture and fail, people will think I’m a loser or stupid.

If I ask questions, I’ll look stupid.

I am a bitch when someone talks badly about to hurt my children.

I hate my big nose.                                                                                                                       

Exercise

What ever you think is a judgment that you hold about yourself is your shadow. Write down a list of things for which you judge yourself or that you don’t want people to know about you.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to figure out your shadows:

If I start or stop  doing _____________, what am I afraid that will mean about me?

What am I afraid that people will think of me?

What’s the little voice inside my head always telling me?

What am I afraid that people will think of my significant other/family/friends?

Make sure you are at the root of the issue. Maybe it’s not really about your big nose. Perhaps you’re also afraid that people will see you as ugly.


Exercise

Take your list of shadows. How can they be seen in a positive light? For example, “my big nose allows me to breathe more efficiently” or “my anger causes me to take action”.

What is the virtue of this shadow? List at least one positive for each shadow.

Week 1

Week 3