You can be the best partner you can be in your relationship, but if you or your partner is emotionally unavailable, your relationship cannot weather the storm. The reason is simple; the relationship isn’t a team- it’s two people in a relationship that isn’t cohesive. It’s every person for themselves, well at least that’s one of the couple’s opinion, whether that decision is conscious or not.

How fun is it when you feel that you are and your partner aren’t a team? And are you clueless how he/she feels or thinks?

One of the biggest reasons is why relationships fail is because one of the partners is just emotionally unavailable.  When a person is emotionally unavailable, there are many signs,  such as:

  1. They have a need to control or are inflexible- as they are often projecting their needs and wants.
  2. They can also be perfectionists- and the reason for they’re need to be perfect is because they are really afraid of intimacy. It’s the fear of not measuring up.
  3. The relationship revolves around them- otherwise known as narcissism which is defined as vanity, self-absorption, conceit – basically a huge ego.
  4. Emotionally unavailable people are good at the chase but nothing happens after the catch.  The honeymoon period is over. They have you where they want you. They may even be a shift in power in the relationship.
  5. They can be very seductive but when the relationship gets real, they sabotage it.
  6. They often admit that they are horrible at relationships or have a track record to prove it.
  7. Emotionally unavailable people have anger issues or an arrogance about them. They can be emotionally abusive as well.
  8. When anger is involved, it indicates that they don’t take ownership of their part of failure in previous relationships.  They blame their partners for the break-ups. They don’t see their own shortcomings because it shows that they DON’T measure up.They will hide their shortcomings at all costs.
  9. Secrecy, invasiveness or inappropriate questions too soon in the relationship can be the unwillingness to allow a relationship to unfold organically. They put in obstacles to avoid intimacy. This often happens  when one of the partners gets sexual too quickly in relationship, and then the relationship becomes a sexual one and it can’t mature into a romance.
  10. Sometimes, those with addictions also can be seen as emotionally unavailable since there is often a lack of emotional maturity involved.

The best strategy to have in a relationship is to be open. Be willing to see the red flags, to listen to your gut when something feels off. So often we have an inkling before we know concretely that something is wrong. And yet we dismiss it because we doubt ourselves or we really want the relationship to work

And when you do realize that you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable, talk to them. Tell them that it feels likethey are holding back.  Gauge their response. If you get resistance, get out of the relationship because it probably won’t make it. But be willing to voice your concerns and the actions that you plan to take if you don’t see any changes. If they truly love you, they should be willingly to address your concerns, as well as address theirs with you. It’s all about creating a give and take partnership, not a dictatorship.